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6 Ways Metta Dating Can Improve Online Dating

"Metta-Date" is a play on the word "Meditate" and combines the word "Mettā (Pali), which means "benevolence, loving-kindness, friendliness, amity, good will, and active interest in others" with dating. Metta refers to  

the mindfulness-based practice of actively cultivating kindness and goodwill towards others. 

So what exactly is "Metta Dating?" Metta Date is a curriculum and approach to dating and relating I've developed that combines elements of metta and heart-based mindfulness practices, somatic psychology, behavioral therapy, and communication skills. The curriculum ​includes meditations, skills, tools, and techniques to bring kindness and goodwill into dating in a community of like-minded peers in order to combat some of the isolation of dating and bring more joy, ease, and fun into the whole dating experience. In addition to cultivating kindness, Metta Dating also incorporates practices that cultivate compassion (karuna), empathetic joy (mudita), equanimity (upekkha), and gratitude. Since the course primarily emphasizes Metta and compassion, the benefits in this post will primarily be linked to those practices.

You might already be a believer in the value of a mindfulness and compassion practice, particularly if you've ever regularly practiced a traditional Metta meditation (also referred to as a lovingkindness meditation).  Or you might be skeptical. You might even ask, come on, how can sitting around practicing kindness and compassion help me with my dating life?

Well, my friend, not only can it help you with your dating life, it can improve your overall health, well-being, and happiness. Feeling compassion has been linked to a release in oxytocin, the "bonding hormone, a decrease in heart rate, and an increase in activity in regions of the brain linked to caregiving, empathy, and pleasure.  Here are six specific ways cultivating the skills of compassion and Metta can change your brain and your life: ​


1. Metta practice helps you feel more pleasure.

​Dating can often feel more of a slog than a nourishing and pleasurable experience, but taking breaks to cultivate kindness and compassion can help us find moments of connection, joy, and pleasure amidst all the chaos. 

A brain imaging study led by the National Institute of Health has shown that when we cultivate or practice cultivating kindness for another person, the act of giving (even if it's only our positive energy or "good vibes"), the pleasure centers in our brains are activated. Yep, those same pleasure centers that register money, dessert, sex, and chocolate, get turned on when we get our give on. Studies have shown that giving can actually be more beneficial to the giver than to the receiver, which is why sometimes people may give and give in a relationship that's not giving back to them. In one study at the University of British Columbia, children as young as two felt more happiness giving treats than receiving treats themselves.  Now if you've been over-giving in your relationship, and it feels more like codependence than a fulfilling act of kindness, it's worth reevaluating how you give.  Put your giving to better use and start practicing metta instead ;)


2. Compassion practice helps you stay healthy.

The upcoming holiday season combined with living during global warming and a pandemic is, let's face it, inherently stressful. Whether dating or simply relating to people in your life, the practice of cultivating compassion can have some scientifically proven health benefits in your life. 

Research has shown that mindfulness, and mindful self-compassion in particular, decreases stress, increases feelings of well-being, lowers inflammation, speeds up recovery from disease, and may even lengthen our lifespan.  Some new studies from UCLA and the University of North Carolina showed that feelings of pleasure derived from a sense of meaning and purpose, which are feelings that often arise from compassion and Metta meditations, led to lower levels of cellular inflammation than feelings of pleasure derived from doing fun things (researchers call this second type of happiness "hedonic happiness").  People who lived lives of hedonic happiness” actually had high inflammation levels, while those living lives of purpose or meaning (known as “eudaimonic happiness”) had low inflammation levels.

In fact, even witnessing compassionate acts and the act of connecting with others in a meaningful way leads to health benefits.  Experiments at Harvard 30 years ago demonstrated that when people watched a film on the charitable work of Mother Teresa of Calcutta, their heart rate and blood pressure shifted in a positive direction.


3. Compassion practice increases self-love and decreases criticism of self and others leading to more connection and less stress. 

Practicing compassion for ourself and others helps us to see our own common humanity - the ways in which we are no different from anyone else. Criticism and shame lead us to feel separate and isolated, while compassion helps us feel more connected to others and aware that our mistakes are not as bad or shameful as we may privately believe.  When we can learn to meet our inner critic with compassion, whether he/she is targeting us or judging the person we are dating or a family member, we open ourselves to deeper connection and feelings of love. 

Lower levels of criticism towards yourself and others has the added benefit of decreasing our stress levels. Harsh self-criticism elevates our sympathetic nervous system and fight or flight response), whereas self-compassion activates our nurturing and soothing system which leads to, again, greater pleasure and less stress. 


4.  Compassion and Metta practice help with self-soothing.

The practice of cultivating compassion,will calm you down when you're nervous or feeling activated by your relationship AND help you bounce back after bad dates, difficult relationship experiences, or breakups. As I mentioned above, compassion for self and others helps us nurture ourselves the way a good friend would, and during stressful times, we need to be a good friend to ourselves!

When we're nervous or feeling disregulated and stressed out, we're more likely to fall victim to dating snafus like oversharing, undersharing, using substances, reactive behavior, sweaty palms, and well, you get the idea. If we're judgmental or hard on ourself about this, it just makes everything worse, but if we can introduce mindfulness and compassion, we can break the cycle of nervous behavior and get back on track. Additionally, if we can focus our attention on giving kindness to others, we can deactivate some of the self-criticism that accompanies social anxiety (more details on this in #6).


5. Compassion practice helps you stay motivated to keep going when times are tough. 

We all know it's hard to stay consistent and motivated when dating. In fact, after a slew of short-lived dating relationships, it can feel like you've just been put in the washing machine on high speed. So how do you stay motivated when holiday dating has got you down and you find yourself single or badly matched during this fraught and  sentimental time of year?

Most of us are taught to believe that motivation comes from beating ourselves up or treating ourselves like that first grade teacher from the movies who slaps kids' hands with a ruler. This mentality has been woven into the American dream - when you're down, just push yourself harder or pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That's why Kristin Neff initiated studies to prove that actually, the opposite is true. Studies in Mindful Self-compassion have shown that self-compassion actually increases our motivation more than beating ourselves up does, AND it doesn't have any negative side effects. Beating ourselves up does actually increase our motivation, but it has negative side effects, including feelings of shame and depression when we don't get things exactly right. 


6. Metta practice helps you feel more care, connection and empathy with others. 

In the new book Altered Traits: Science Reveals How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain, And Body, Daniel Goleman explains how lovingkindness meditation increases your capacity to care for others. He notes that through lovingkindness practice "you’re actually able to notice when they need help, and help them, [which] makes you a great partner, friend, and team member.”  

In other words, practicing lovingkindness meditation primes us to feel empathy, and helps to make us more compassionate, so that we can understand what another person is going through, and take action to help. 

​Being able to step outside of our narrow vision and recognizing when help is needed and how to deliver it are  crucial skills in dating and relationships. 


In addition to these benefits, there are countless ways that practicing good will and compassion can lead to more fulfillment in your dating and relationship life...which I can go into another time or you can experience firsthand!

The takeaway for today is that the active practice of cultivating kindness and compassion strengthens our ability to give and receive, opens our heart and soul to other warm feelings, soothes our nervous system, and boosts our immune system.  When we feel good and less threatened, we are more open-minded, open-hearted, and more likely to show up as the best version of ourselves. This leads to, as Kristin Neff puts it, "
greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”  Whether single, dating, or married, couldn't we all use more of the above? 

Feel free to comment below or come Metta Date with us one Monday online. Join the Meet Up or Singles Sangha or follow us on Instagram for more updates!

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What is the value of mindfulness?

A. Mindfulness is a practice that helps you become more aware of your thoughts and actions. It helps you to focus on the present moment and not let your mind wander to the past or future. This can help you be less stressed out, anxious, and depressed. 

Q. What are the benefits of mindfulness?

A. The purpose of dating is to find someone who you are attracted to and who shares your interests. It is important to know what you want in order to be able to date successfully. 

Q. How do you practice mindfulness?

A. Mindfulness is not only about mental health, it's also about physical health. It can help you reduce stress and anxiety while improving your physical well-being. The more mindful you are, the better you feel and the less likely you are to experience negative emotions like anger or fear. There are many ways to practice mindfulness - meditation, yoga, guided meditations - all of which have their benefits for different people.

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