Understanding Love Bombing: Recognize the Signs and Protect Yourself

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Have you ever met someone you thought was too good to be true? Someone who showered you with attention, affection, grandiose compliments, visions of the future, and generosity from the very beginning? While these gestures may initially feel like the beginning of a fairytale romance, this behavior is generally a red flag and part of a (sometimes unconscious, but nevertheless manipulative) strategy known as "love bombing."

Love is not supposed to feel like a fireworks show in the first week, it's a slow burn that builds over time. If someone is making grandiose statements like "I've never felt this way before," or "you're my soulmate" after a date or two, RUN. Because that's not love. It's love bombing.

What is "Love Bombing"?

"Love bombing" entails using extreme romantic gestures, such as lavishing another person with attention, love, and compliments, to gain affection and ultimately control over the person's emotions. Love bombing fosters a sense of dependency and commitment in the receiver. The goal of love bombing is to make the other person feel special and loved in order to secure devotion and affection.

In essence, "love bombing" is a emotional scam comprised of bombarding a person with loving gestures. While this showering of love and affection may seem like a dream come true because of cultural messaging about what romantic love is, love bombing has nothing to do with real love. It is a shallow expression of romantic cosplay designed to gratify the love bomber's immediate needs for attention and dependency by preying on the innate human desire to be cared for. Because it happens very early on in the relationship, it's not based on who the receiver is or their actual needs being cared for. It is too early for the love bomber to know the receiver or the receiver to truly be able to trust the love bomber.

Traditional cultural narratives around gender roles, fairy tales, romantic movie storylines, etc., reinforce this idea that "love bombing' and pursuing is an expression of true love. Often, these stories cast men as the romantic love bomber, so although all genders and sexual orientations may embody the characteristics of the love bomber, this may be more culturally enforced for male-identified people or those who identify with a need to exert outward dominance in relationships.

In reality, love bombing is the opposite of a fairy tale. It is about seduction, controlling the relationship, and shaping the narrative so the love bomber looks like the "perfect partner" (no such thing!) and can gain the upper hand. If you obsess about or idealize someone immediately, this is a sign that your nervous system may be registering insincerity and potential love bombing. Stay connected to friends and family and see if your partner's actions can remain stable and consistent past the three-month, six-month, and year marks.

Extreme romantic gestures at the beginning of a relationship reinforce the idea of imbalanced relationships, with one partner in the passive, "desirable," vulnerable role and the other with all the power and control. This becomes problematic as soon as the passive partner tries to express vulnerability or express a need.

True love and lasting mutual relationships are based on trust built over time, the communication and sharing of needs and vulnerabilities, and small rather than large gestures. The Gottman Institute has done research in their love lab that shows that couples who stay together over the long run have a 5:1 ratio of positive relationship-building behaviors to negative behaviors. These relationship-building behaviors are small gestures or "bids" for affection by both partners over a long period of time, rather than the unidirectional pursuit and overt displays of affection in the first three months of the relationship that characterize love bombing.

Here is a closer look at love bombing, warning signs to look out for, and tips for self-protection.

Why Is Love Bombing Dangerous?

While love bombing may seem flattering and exciting initially, it can ultimately lead to emotional manipulation, hurt, and abuse. The receiver of love bombing may, for example, feel pressured to reciprocate the attention and affection, even if they don't feel the same way. Guilt, shame, and uncertainty may result from this.

Furthermore, love bombing takes away the consent and control of the victim. They enter the relationship under the pretense that their needs will be considered, but generally, once dependency is established and the "honeymoon phase" wears off, the love bomber will slowly withdraw the generosity and affection they initially offered.

Love bombing can also be used by abusive or narcissistic partners to gain control over their partners. By creating a sense of dependency and loyalty, the abuser can isolate their partner from friends and family, making it harder for them to leave the relationship.

Love Bombing Signs

Giving extravagant presents
Too much, too fast, too soon
Hot/cold behavior
Extremely frequent phone calls and texts
Excessive generalized compliments and affection early on
Expressing strong feelings right away
Talking about the future right away
Intensity of emotion before getting to know each other
A history of short-lived, intense relationships

These are some of the traditional warning signs of love bombing. (That guy who, after just one date, claims he "can't stop thinking about you"? Yeah, watch out for him.)

One way to assess if someone's feelings are genuine is to ask about their past relationships. If they have had a series of short relationships, say a lot of negative things about their exes, have commitment issues, or describe losing interest frequently in relationships, these are all signs that someone may not be capable of maintaining a relationship and growing or nurturing real love.

How To Protect Yourself From Love Bombing

Setting healthy boundaries and safeguarding yourself from emotional manipulation is crucial if you believe someone is love-bombing you.

Here are some tips:

1. Take Things Slowly with Consistency. If someone has been showering you with attention and affection from the beginning, it's okay to step back and slow things down. Refrain from feeling pressured to reciprocate the attention and affection if you're not ready. Don't get physical until you've built trust by talking about needs and feelings and you are clear the person is not love bombing you. Let them show you how consistent they can be.

2. Trust Your Instincts. If something feels off about the relationship, trust your gut. Do not disregard warning signs from your body or discount your own emotions.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries. Be clear about your own needs and boundaries in the relationship. Don't feel pressured by their needs or let someone else dictate how you should feel or behave.

4. Seek Support. Contact friends, family, or a therapist for support if you're feeling overwhelmed or confused. Having a support system in place is important to help you navigate difficult situations.

How Can I Protect Myself From Love Bombing?

While you can't rule out every person who is nice to you, it's important to:

Be vigilant about too much generosity early on in the relationship.
Be aware that your instincts are likely valid if it seems too good to be true.
Ask about your partner's relationship history and heavily flag for yourself patterns of short-lived relationships or the other person characterizing exes as "crazy."
Recognize your needs and speak out about them as soon as possible. Don't be a mute participant in the relationship.
Remind yourself of the qualities of a healthy relationship: empathy, compassion, mutuality, consideration, listening to each other's needs at all times, respect, and more.
Above all, don't ignore, rationalize, or talk yourself out of red flags.

If you tend to talk yourself out of red flags, it can be helpful to talk this through with a therapist, a grounded friend, or a family member, starting at the beginning of a relationship.

If Love Bombings not It, what should I be looking for?

Green flags to look for in a relationship:

Steady, consistent effort over time instead of an attempt to "win you"
A consistent desire to get to know you on a deep level
No pressure
A feeling of calm security rather than anxiety
A genuine respect for your needs and boundaries

Love shouldn't feel like a high or an addiction. It should feel like a patient, slow, steady deepening of affection and kindness over time.

Love bombing can have serious negative consequences for an individual's well-being and the health and longevity of a relationship. It's important to seek the guidance of a qualified relationship therapist or personal counseling services to identify and address this behavior. Our virtual couples therapy in San Francisco may be able to provide valuable support and resources for those experiencing the effects of love bombing in their relationships. Reach out if you would like a complimentary consultation about our virtual counseling and online dating coaching services.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q.1 How does a relationship therapist help couples dealing with love bombing?

A. A relationship therapist is a trained professional who can help couples identify and address the underlying issues in their relationship. Relationship therapists use a variety of techniques to help couples communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and build stronger relationships. By helping couples understand each other's needs and feelings, they can work together to create healthier and more fulfilling relationships. If love bombing is present, the therapist will work to uncover the needs and motives of the person love bombing and help them seek fulfillment of those needs in a healthier, more mutual way.

Q.2 What services does an online dating coach provide that help with love bombing?

A. Online dating coaches provide a uniquely supportive service to those who are looking for love. They provide personalized advice and guidance to help people find the right partner, navigate the online dating world, and build successful relationships. They can give guidance on how to write an effective profile, how to approach potential partners, and what kind of communication works best in the online dating space. They can also help to identify red flags like love bombing early in the relationship and teach tools and skills to set effective boundaries in dating.

Q.3 How can personal counseling help people deal with love bombing?

A. Personal counseling, or individual counseling is essentially individual therapy. Counseling helps individuals navigate challenges like love bombing in a safe and supportive environment that allows for exploration of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. With the help of a trained counselor, people can gain insight into why they repeat old patterns or stay in unhealthy relationship dynamics too long and find new ways of managing them. Counseling can help people to build resilience and develop new skills for coping with stress, anxiety, or depression.