What Is Breadcrumbing? 10 Signs & How to Deal With It

Have you ever been talking to someone you really like and, all of the sudden they disappear for days or weeks only to reappear with a flirty message or compliment, or even a cryptic nonsensical meme that leaves you utterly confused? Or, gone on a few dates with someone who seemed really interested in you, but they kept canceling or communicating with you intermittently. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you may be experiencing breadcrumbing.

What is "breadcrumbing" in the context of dating?

Breadcrumbing in the context of dating is leading someone on via inconsistent contact, texts, and calls without intending to build a real relationship. A person who is breadcrumbing will give you just enough contact and attention to give you the impression that they are interested in you but won't back this up through the continual consistent actions and behavior needed to build anything substantial.

Breadcrumbs are the calls, messages, and phrases a person drops to keep you interested and invested in them. Breadcrumbers behave in this way and leave these breadcrumbs in an effort to maintain your attention.

Is breadcrumbing a type of abuse?

Some consider breadcrumbing a type of emotional abuse because it involves manipulation and control. However, it is generally a sign of emotional immaturity. It is not usually intended to be malicious, but is a selfish tendency to get the person's emotional needs met without offering anything you need in return.

If someone is mature, healthy and capable of treating you well, they will be aware of and considerate about how their actions impact you. They will let you know directly if they are available or not, rather than sending you mixed signals to keep you around for their benefit.

10 Signs you are being breadcrumbed

Without being aware of the signals, it could be challenging to determine if you are being breadcrumbed (because, let's be honest, who would assume someone would do that?)

Here are a few indicators that someone is breadcrumbing you without any real intention of committing:

1. They are inconsistent

When you observe that the person you are dating is lacking in consistency, they may be breadcrumbing you. For example, if they keep tabs on you for a few weeks and then abruptly disappear without checking in, they stop returning your calls or texts, take days to reply to texts, and disappear from sight.

The big breadcrumb is when they reappear with a text or call just as you are about to take the hint and move on with your life. This is a way to keep themselves on your radar and keep you directing energy their way without them having to make a more sustained effort. 

2. They change or postpone dates with you

Another tip-off that someone is breadcrumbing is that they don’t keep their dates to meet with you. They may stay in touch before meeting, but as the date draws near, they unexpectedly back out.

It's better to decline the offer and set expectations with them about your needs for consistency and follow through - unless you would like this breadcrumbing behavior to continue.

3. They aren't accountable for their actions

Most people who are breadcrumbing will deny that they are doing it. If you confront them about this conduct, they could either act like they are somehow the victim of uncontrollable circumstances. blame you for their absence by claiming that you should have reached out to check on them, or give some vague excuse about being busy. 

4. They choose unusual hours to communicate

How they interact with you is another potential breadcrumbing tip-off. Breadcrumbers seem to be able to energetically sense when others are vulnerable, open, lonely, or missing them - which is often at odd hours. Conversely, a person who is really available and interested will likely check in on you at consistent times like each morning, on their lunch break, when they get off work, or before bed. 

Instead, you are more likely to hear from breadcrumbers in the middle of the night, or when you’re on a date. Since they are busy “working” or "busy" during the day, this is usually not when you will hear from them—unless they notice a social media post that indicates you're busy and happy. This may be a cue for them to reach out and make sure you start thinking about them again.

5. When you call them out, they temporarily pacify you with a behavior change, only to disappoint you later by returning to previous patterns

A breadcrumber will deny they are breadcrumbing when you confront them about it with excuses like "I've just been super busy" or "I'm just in a weird place right now, but it doesn't mean I'm not interested in you."  They may even go above and beyond to express their interest verbally in you and send a few short text follow-ups or even call you. However, once they are forgiven and have been released from the hot seat, they fall back on their previous ingrained behavior patterns.  

6. Their messages are ambiguous

Because breadcrumbers are usually feeling some conflict within themselves, their messages can be confusing. A part of them may like you and consider taking things more seriously, but a bigger part of them (the part of them responsible for their actions or rather, inaction) just doesn’t have the energy to invest in a relationship. 

As a result of their inner conflict, their messages may convey their conflicting feelings. Rather than emphasizing the texts that indicate that they like you, pay extra attention to the behaviors and actions that do not reinforce what their words say. Liking someone does not mean readiness to commit (well, it might in your case, but not in the breadcrumber's case), and despite how conflicted they may feel, the part of them that is taking action is winning over the part of them that likes you.   

Because breadcrumbers are unsure of what they want, they will send messages that are difficult to understand, which gives them time to continue to explore options and figure out what they are feeling while you continue to support them and pour attention into them. Taking time and exploring options are not inherently bad; however, breadcrumbing behavior will not be resolved by exploring options. Nor is it likely that a breadcrumber will end up with someone they have breadcrumbed.  The fact that someone is accepting these breadcrumbs will slowly make them lose respect for that person, even though they act like that is what they want. In other words, don’t wait around for them because you think they will suddenly get clarity, you will pay the price while they reap all the benefits. 

7. You have a strong connection when you are with them, but overall aren't getting your needs met in the relationship 

You might have deep conversations and feel a deep connection when you are with this person. You may even feel like you love them. The breadcrumber may say the same things back to you, but if their actions don't make you feel loved and valued 90 percent of the time, let these actions speak louder than their words. 

You may assume at first that they are concerned for you based on the words they express or how they act during the time you spend together. However, as they ignore your requests for more consistency or more clarity, you will realize that they care mainly for themselves and see you as meeting a need for temporary companionship while they figure themselves out. Despite your hopes, they likely don't feel the need to learn about themselves quickly in order to overcome this pattern and get close to you. 

8. They use different platforms to grab your attention  

Many clients observe that breadcrumbers will use unexpected channels to grab their attention. For example, a text may go unanswered when suddenly you receive a heart on a social media channel or they slide into your DMs with a quirky comment. Or, they completely disregard your WhatsApp messages and then text you something unrelated.

9. Your self-esteem starts dwindling

When a breadcrumb comes your way, you may feel elated to hear from your breadcrumber, only to have this elation followed by a sinking feeling of disappointment and anxiety as they fall off the communication train again.

Their compliments may feel disingenuous or empty and leave you feeling confused rather than good due to the incongruence between their words and their behavior. These feelings of confusion may lead to self-doubt as you begin to question your intuition. A healthy partnership should validate your sense of clarity and worldview, not make you doubt it, even when there are challenges in the relationship. 

10. They play mind games

This is true of all kinds of mind games, however, some examples of classic breadcrumbing mind games include: 

They deflect accountability, i.e. when you call them out after they have a very delayed response to your texts, they complain that you didn't try to call them to ask them why they didn't respond in time.

They try to dominate and be in control and ignore your basic needs and feelings, i.e. they leave your texts unanswered and then start a fresh conversation at random.

They seem to be looking for sex but act like they are looking for emotional connection. If they appear timid and emotional, but their behavior is they only reach out when they need something or want to be physical, they probably have sex as their primary interest.

Why Do People Leave Breadcrumbs?

While there are many reasons people breadcrumb, the main ones are

• Not being ready for a relationship
• Being self-absorbed due to life circumstances or (more likely) personality traits
• Wanting validation and attention
• Laziness
• Addiction 
• Lack of self-awareness 

What are classic text examples of breadcrumbing, and how should I respond?

•  "What are you doing right now?," “Wut u up to?” or “Wyd?”

Instead of giving a full reply, respond with a similarly low amount of effort and words, i.e., “having a great day, you?” or silence.

• A single emoji

An emoji is the ultimate breadcrumb formula - Maximum emotional impact with minimal effort 

Respond with your own emoji, a thumbs up, or a question mark...or silence.

• A comment, like, or reaction to your social media posts

Reply to thoughtful engagements on social media, but there is no need to respond to likes or reactions to your posts. There is nothing to say here. 

• “Let's meet up soon."

This one places accountability on you. Put the ball right back in their court with “Sounds good, let me know when you’d like to meet,” and don’t count too heavily on it if they have flaked before. 

• “Thinking about you."

This one hooks you back in to emotional engagement, without offering any substantive follow up.  Heart, thumbs up, or silence. 

• Nonsensical or cryptic meme or video

This type of message will leave you confused about what they are trying to communicate. The intention here is minimal effort and maxium reward for them. They put no thought into what they send you, and leave it to you to invest emotional energy and labor into trying to decipher how they are feeling and what they mean. This keeps you more invested in them than they are in you.  Again, heart, thumbs up, or silence. Minimal effort should beget minimal reward. 

How Do You Take The Power Back? 

1. Awareness. Become aware of the cycle. Name what's happening to yourself. Recognize you are being breadcrumbed, not emotionally met. If you can see it happening, you can choose not to participate in it.
2. Recognize that their inconsistency isn’t about you. It’s about you but where the other person is at—whether that’s emotionally unavailable, avoidant, or just not looking for something deep.
3. You get to decide if you want to keep engaging in this dynamic or step off the string. 

How to Handle Someone Who is Breadcrumbing You?

It might be challenging to manage breadcrumbing since you may still have feelings and be on a roller-coaster of the push-pull dynamic. Every time you step back and disengage, they step forward and amp up the breadcrumbing. Here are some ideas for how to handle this frustrating behavior.

1. Acknowledge the Pattern

You already see it: they give just enough to keep you engaged, but never enough to actually invest. That’s not a mistake—it’s an intentional and consistent behavior.

2. Stop Chasing or Filling in the Gaps

You already know that when you step back, they tends to throw just enough bait. Let’s see what happens when you fully disengage. You don't have to respond to bait once you recognize that bait is all it is. 

3. Be Honest and Ask Yourself: Is this taking more than it's giving? 

It's likely that you are wasting energy contemplating whether they're interested in you and how to be more patient, generous, flexible, etc. with them to help them see what they are missing. The best thing you can do is get really honest with yourself about whether this is draining you. Compromise is something you can do with a willing participant who listens to you, shows up for you, gives to you, and doesn’t play games like dropping breadcrumbs for you. Reserve your compromising, flexible, generous, giving energy for someone who is giving to you as well. 

Ask yourself - is the attention worth the frustration? If the cycle keeps making you feel unfulfilled and is taking more than it's giving, then this person is not adding real value to your life. What else could you be putting your energy towards? 

4. Take Back Control

The way to break the cycle is not to wait for him to stop—it’s to stop engaging yourself. You don’t need their permission to walk away. If you’re truly done, the best way to break free is silence. No more responding to crumbs. No more checking in to see if he changes.

When someone is breadcrumbing you, it's a good idea to break off contact with them as soon as you know they aren’t serious (to preserve your own sanity.)

Your emotional and mental health will be helped by this, and you will free up space to concentrate on other potential companions. If someone has been breadcrumbing you, cutting them off demonstrates to you and them that you are taking your self-respect back.

5. Practice acceptance and letting go

Try to see a breadcrumber for their behaviors rather than basing your perception of them on how you feel around them or the words they say. Letting your feelings dictate how you see them causes you to see potential rather than reality. 

Instead, look at their actions and see them as the sum total of those actions. Accept that they are unlikely to change these behaviors anytime soon. Let go of the fantasy that they will change for you, and grieve the imagined future that you had with this person. 

6. Date other people

Typically, it can be challenging to recognize other people who are interested in you when you are busy engaging with breadcrumbing. It also might be hard to motivate yourself to get out there and date. You can start with baby steps - call a friend or make plans with people you already know. You’ll start to meet new people if you stay social, and you may even want to date someone you meet this way.

7. Hold your standards

A person who truly wants to connect will show up for you, not just keep you on the edge of wondering.

Knowing what it looks like when someone is genuinely interested in you is important.. Looking to role models - tv characters, friends' husbands or boyfriends, or parents - who model truly loving behavior - can remind you of what genuine relationship interest looks like.

7. If You Need Closure, Ask for It—Then Be Ready to Walk

If you feel like you need a final conversation, have it. But go in knowing that their response doesn’t matter as much as your decision to step away if they can’t meet you where you are.

Being open and truthful with the other person about your feelings, desires, and expectations in any relationship is important. They will understand that you care if you let them know that you are aware of what they have been doing. If the person you are speaking with is truly looking for a relationship and is available, they will apologize and behave better in the future.

If they keep doing the same thing, you know you are seeing things very clearly and further conversation will not help you. 

Why Getting A Breadcrumb Feels Good Even When You Know It’s a Pattern:

Your nervous system is wired to seek resolution. When someone creates distance and then returns, it triggers relief (even if they weren’t actually giving much in the first place).  The compliments, the casual check-ins, the “cute pics” comment feel nice because they are validating and give you and your nervous system the responsiveness you need in a connection. Even though part of you sees the inconsistency, the attraction + past connection make sudden presence feel comforting—even in small, non-lasting doses.

The Big Question: Does This Connection Feel Good Overall?

When you look at the entire pattern, not just the moments of warmth, does it feel like they truly see and value you?

Or does it feel like you’re always left wanting more—more consistency, more depth, more clarity?

If the messages feel good but the pattern makes you feel anxious, frustrated, or uncertain, that’s your answer: this isn’t nourishing you, it’s just keeping you hooked.

When to Ask for a Conversation

If you're not sure whether a conversation is necessary, consider what you truly want from the connection and whether there is any real possibility this person could offer that. 
✔ If you feel like there’s a real connection underneath the games, and you want to give him a chance to be clear
✔ If you’re ready to walk away and want a final confirmation from the conversation to see if they can change their behavior or if this is truly what they are capable of. 

But If You’re Already Over It…

You don’t even need to ask. Sometimes the best move is to just disengage and let him show you whether they can actually step up. If they don't? They were never worth your energy.

How to Talk About Breadcrumbing to the Breadcrumber

It's perfectly fine NOT to talk about it, and just let the vague or minimum effort message just sit. If you decide to have a conversation, here are some tips and scripts on how you could approach it. 

You don’t need to be emotional or overly serious and you certainly don't need to say much or explain anything about how you're feeling. Just direct and neutral with something like:

💬 "Hey, I’ve noticed you pop in here and there, but it feels like there’s not much follow-through. I’m curious—what do you actually want with me?" 

💬 "I like connecting with you, but I’m realizing I don’t love this pattern of random check-ins without something real behind it. What are you looking for?" 

💬 "I’m cool with things being light, but I don’t want to waste my time on something that’s just surface-level. If you’re interested, I’d rather have a real convo about it." 

 If they dodge, joke, or give a vague answer, that’s your answer. They are not interested in more. If they say they like you, but keeps acting the same, remember that words mean nothing without action.

On the other hand, if they step up and engage more intentionally and consistently, you may have some hope of a solid relationship growing. 

_____________

It’s imperative to respect yourself, your needs, and your feelings and not to compromise those things for someone who is giving you crumbs. Always remind yourself of the people who do love you just as you are and from whom you do not need to beg for love, care, or attention.

Using breadcrumbs to entice someone is - intentionally or not - a selfish and manipulative behavior. Remember, no matter who you are, you are worthy of more in a relationship.

If you feel emotional distress, low self-esteem, and feelings of confusion as a result of breadcrumbing, you are not alone. If someone is sending you mixed messages, but doesn’t show any intention of investing further, time to walk away. 

If you find yourself experiencing breadcrumbing, seeking the help of an online dating coach or a personal counseling service may be beneficial. Online dating coaches can provide valuable guidance on how to recognize and avoid breadcrumbing while also teaching you how to communicate your needs and expectations effectively. Additionally, an online therapist in Los Angeles or San Francisco can help you navigate the emotional turmoil that may arise from being breadcrumbed in these cities and provide you with tools to strengthen your self-worth, self-compassion, and boundaries.

Ultimately, it's essential to remember that breadcrumbing is a reflection of the breadcrumber and not a reflection of your worth as a person. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and honesty, both in the online dating world and in all aspects of life.

For more guidance on dealing with breadcrumbing, reach out to us to work with one of our coaches or therapists, or follow us on instagram: @lovewellsf 

Frequently Asked Questions

Q.1 What is the difference between an online dating coach and a matchmaker?

A. Online dating coaches provide advice on how to create an attractive online dating profile, how to communicate effectively with potential matches, and how to handle difficult situations and situationships. They tend to be familiar with terminology like breadcrumbing, ghosting, red flags, and other difficulties you encounter in online dating. On the other hand, matchmakers focus on introducing compatible singles through personalized introductions and providing guidance throughout the process of developing a relationship. Sometimes matchmakers will offer some dating coaching as an add-on or part of their service.

Q.2 What kind of issues can be addressed through personal counseling?

A. Personal counseling is an important tool for addressing a wide range of issues that individuals face in their daily lives. Counseling can help individuals to understand and manage their emotions, make better decisions, and build healthier relationships. It can also provide support for those struggling with dating issues like ghosting and breadcrumbing, or mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress. 

Q.1 How does online couples therapy work? 

A. Online couples therapy has become an increasingly popular way for couples to address relationship issues without having to leave  their own home. This type of therapy is conducted over the internet, using video chat or sometimes even the phone. Couples therapists provide couples with a safe and secure HIPAA compliant platform to discuss their relationship issues and work towards finding solutions.